Explanation Update

Hey everyone,

So I am doing a bit of a social media detox. I deactivated my Instagram and all my other social media. I didn’t have much to get rid of, just IG and Reddit basically. I don’t know if or when I’ll ever be back on them.

Donor Update. Mental Health Update.

So how did that Detroit trip go? Well, it was a pretty long flight. I didn’t sleep and had a glass of wine or three with dinner. I don’t usually drink so this made me a bit more tired than I might usually be. I was basically up for 36 or so hours before my full day evaluation. This ultimately led to me being denied on donating a kidney I believe.

The way the process is setup is a bit interesting. The donor and recipient each get their own independent advocacy teams. Mine was made up of surgeons, nurses, a psychologist and a social worker. Each team’s sole responsibility is doing what’s best for their patient.

I have a depression diagnosis in my chart so they(psychologist and social worker) prodded me a bit about that. With how tired I was I got pretty emotional. I’m not ashamed that I cried but I’m definitely disappointed in my inability to hold it together. This lead to some issues being more of a big deal than I believe they really are.

These issues are related to sexual, mental, and physical abuse I’ve suffered throughout my life.

My depression was interesting to them because I don’t, and have never, denied having suicidal thoughts. It’s a constant for me. I liken it to Dexter’s “Dark Passenger” in an odd, but much less serious, way. I’m not driven to kill anyone obviously. My thoughts are more along the lines of a few thoughts a day like, “I wonder what it would feel like to jump off this parking structure” or “I wonder if this Max train would kill me instantly.” I’ve had these thoughts my entire life. I’ve never felt a strong urge to act on them so to me they’re not a huge deal. Apparently they are. I can absolutely see why these would be a huge flag to a mental health professional.

I was physically disciplined as a child, so physically abused. I don’t think this is a big deal but there are definitely issues with it. I may not think it’s a big deal because it isn’t a big deal compared to the other things that have happened to me. This is a big deal.

I was sexually abused as a child. The first instance I can think of was when I was about 6 or 7 and it involved a guy I’d never met masturbating in front of myself and someone else(same age) down by the old Wilbur Ellis train depot. The next instance came a few years later when a friend and I “explored” each other, but looking back the age difference was not okay. Then in my early 20’s I had a childhood female friend rape me. This involved me waking up to her forcing herself on me. We had not kissed at this point and were just friends. She did it again a few days later while we were camping and I was intoxicated. About 8 years after that another woman raped me while down in the North Umpqua. The rapes have lead to me no longer being interested in dating. My social worker was very interested in this and I can see why.

My mental abuse started at a very young age. My mother, on multiple occasions, has blamed me for my father’s suicide. This has lead to me carrying a mountain’s worth of guilt. The string of boyfriends she had all did their own damage to me. I won’t go into their specific instances of abuse but it ranged in severity. My mother is bipolar, at the very least, and has never dealt with it very well.

In the end my social worker decided to pull the plug on the whole thing until I get 6-12 months of therapy. This will make any other donations I try to do be denied. I understand that he is working with my best interests in mind but I’m still frustrated by his decision.

I feel pretty shitty for my recipient. I told him because he kept texting me asking how my trip went. I don’t think they had told him yet. It hurt me quite a bit to have to do that and to be denied at all. My whole reason for donating is a very personal one but ultimately it’s because it’s the right thing to do. Now I feel so mentally broken that my physical body is broken as well.

I basically cried about this for a few hours in Detroit. I couldn’t hold it back as soon as I left the hospital. My hotel was just a few block walk away; I cried the entire walk there. I cried once I got to my hotel room. I cried until I fell asleep. I cried after I woke up.

I also feel extremely bad because my expenses were covered by a low-income assistance grant and I feel like I wasted money that could have gone elsewhere.

I can’t thank Menna enough for being there to talk. Also thanks to Will for offering to stay with me for a week if the donation was approved.

I will be getting into some form of therapy once I can figure out my insurance situation. Apparently I never signed up for it during the enrollment period(I did) and now my window is closed for medical. My eye/dental insurance went through fine. I make too much for Oregon Health Plan so that’s not an option. I can’t really afford private insurance so this will be expensive.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out after my IG post about this.

I have seen a therapist in the past and have been on medication for my depression. I went off Wellbutrin in August ’19 because I don’t like the way I feel on it. I also feel like it’s a temporary band-aid that results in less issue instances but when I do have issues they’re of a greater magnitude, if that makes any sense. Wellbutrin did allow me to set out a game plan and get control of my anxiety. It’s been about 6 months since I went off it and I do not feel I need medication again. I would prefer to not ever be on medication again.


I’m currently injured with an achilles/calf injury that’s really sticking around. I’ll be taking another 3-4 weeks off until The Ruff in March. I won’t have high expectations for this race. For recovery I’m just taking it easy and doing general rehab things, like stretching and massage.

Ultimately I have a lot of healing to do mentally and physically.